


calor

by therewasclavisbutfuckclavis



Category: Death Parade (Anime)
Genre: Angst, F/M, holy balls i can't write the things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:23:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3544283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therewasclavisbutfuckclavis/pseuds/therewasclavisbutfuckclavis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he died, would he be just as forgotten as his dolls?</p>
<p>At least they lived fulfilling lives.<br/>He had simply posed within a fake one, trying to mirror normality.<br/>It couldn't even be called living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	calor

**Author's Note:**

> in which decim understands the concept of a heart, but isn't aware he has one

**calor** ; _heat, warmth, glow, ardour_

 

 

An unfamiliar rhythm.

A dissonance running beneath the warm hum of his skin;

rolling, rumbling, trembling.

There's no pain, but it croons in numbing aches beneath his chest.

 

He touches the area tentatively, feeling a curious thrumming.

The rapid beating is foreign, crossed with a heavy quality weighing itself oppressively.

 

He doesn't like it.

It's stifling.

 

_Asphyxia_

 

The intake of air into his lungs is lacking, the space around him feels more dense, and he isn't sure,

but shouldn't he be panicking?

Isn't this the part where people - **humans** become overcome with fear for their lives?

He's pretty sure, logically, physically, oxygen is needed to be drawn into the body to survive, so the brain can breathe and the heart can continue to beat, and grow, and maintain life.

So why wasn't he affected?

Why couldn't he feel a shred of alarm?

Because he wasn't human?

Was he incapable of even producing an emotion to convey despair?

Did he even care if he lived?

 

_Termination._

If he died, would he be just as forgotten as his dolls?

 

At least they lived fulfilling lives.

He had simply posed within a fake one, trying to mirror normality.

It couldn't even be called living.

 

Everything's dulling to a slow, agonizing halt now. Muted sounds; a faint buzzing is becoming more and more prominent. Dimmed tastes; there's short of a metallic taste in his mouth, sharp and bitter. Obscured sight; grey, black, and white are all he sees, dyeing the world a blurry monochrome.

 

What if  this is the en-

 

"Decim?"

 

A voice and suddenly -

 

A loud screech pierces his eardrums, numbing every single sense within his body as he clenches his eyes shut and grabs onto his throbbing head. Pure, utter, pain is all he feels, tastes, smells, hears, sees.  

 

It's harsh and caustic, biting into his tongue; tastes of ash and deserts, blood and coal. Resonates gratingly within engaged eardrums, holding a war between penetrating shrills to see which can dismantle his mind to ruin the fastest.

 

He thinks, with the distant thought of devastation curled into the deepest depths of his mind and heated destruction down the back of his throat, that this truly is the end.

 

_Trepidation._

 

"DECIM."

 

Everything stops.

Completely. Entirely. Finally.

Silence followed by a noticeable hum of white noise.

It's relief compared to the hell of before.

 

His senses are returning quickly, immediately, as if everything he had gone through was just an illusion; a trick of his mind to delude, convincing himself to **feel** something remotely human. A part of him thinks he's using it as an excuse to calm his racing mind, running through every potentially dangerous situation. The other part of him is terrified to even touch the topic that everything he had just felt was real.

 

But he opens his eyes and sees a concerned Onna looking up at him with worried eyes and distressed tension wreaking her entire body, taut, as her hands grip tightly onto either side of his arms.

 

It's so human.

 

"Are you okay? Are you hurting?"

 

He mulls over her words  in his head carefully, rotates them and turns them around a few times before willing himself to speak. He's not really sure how to reply in all honesty. It wasn't as if he understood what it was exactly that had just happened anyways. So he went with the safest answer.

 

"I'm fine. A bit...dizzy is all."

 

She looks doubtful, and he can't blame her.

The words left a nasty aftertaste from the lies.

She doesn't say anything, and neither does he.

A waltz of avoidance and unease settling within their bones.

Dancing was one of the things the two of them did well together after all.

 

A silence and a half later, Onna finally looks as if she's about to leave, the quiet stillness too heavy for her to handle, and it's within that moment, a strike of something akin to dread paints Decim's blood cold.

 

It grips him and squeezes, and he thinks if he doesn't stop her and say something now that he'll eventually crumble one day with no answers and this torturous ache threatening to consume him wholly.

 

_Anima._

 

"Am I alive?"

 

The look he receives makes him a bit nervous - or at least, what he thinks is the feeling; his insides jittering within the confines of his body, as if wanting to escape from the pure relentless abandon alone.

 

"Are you alive?" She repeats, a soft hum following from her lips afterwards as she stares straight into his eyes. He sees himself mirrored within amethyst eyes, and wonders if she sees him looking just as anxious as he feels.

 

"Your heart is beating right?"

 

"My...heart?" She gives him that odd look again, as if he's insane, and he can't blame her. Not really anyways.

 

"Yes, that muscle. Deep in here." She presses a hand gently against his chest, the same of which he had touched upon earlier when he felt weighed down. Feels a pulse. "It's beating. You can feel it, right?"

 

He nods mindlessly, somewhat in awe.

Isn't sure if the warmth is from learning of something new or the faint lingering touch from the woman.

 

"Then congratulations." Onna smiles, all teeth and genuine. She pulls her hand away to pat him on the arm once - "You're alive!" -  before pulling away completely and he realizes that - oh, it was her.

 

He feels a bit lost without the warm touch.

 

"But am I living?"  He blurts it out faster than she can change her expression. Hesitates for a brief moment before stumbling over his next words. "Am I human?"

 

"You're an arbiter." She says it so decisively, he feels a bit foolish for having even brought it up. He wants to open his mouth, apologize for such an odd thing to ask, but never gets the chance.

 

"Humans and Arbiters, I don't think it really matters down here." There's a look of contemplation resting on the woman's feature, which renders him quiet. "We're all kind of just...here." She spreads her arms out, waving them around them. "It doesn't really make a difference."

 

It's not the answer he thinks he desperately wanted to cling onto, but he accepts it nonetheless, his stoic expression not changing as he nods in understanding.

 

He wasn't sure what he wanted, honestly. Maybe words to confirm his existence. Words that could make the beats within his chest feel less taxing with each breath. Ones that could ease his conscience just enough for him to store this unease he feels in the pit of his stomach, somewhere deep down to be forgotten.

 

"But," There's a light tap against his chest, where it thrums and roars life into his veins. "you're living."

 

Onna's looking at him with shining eyes, saying everything and nothing all at the same time, her hand steady against his chest, grounding him. He thinks if he could feel, with his heart pounding so heavily and loudly in his ear, that now would have him feeling enamored.

 

"You're here, in the now with me. You're standing. Thinking. Breathing." A careless shrug across delicate shoulders. "Existing."

 

He struggles to swallow something heavy and somber down his throat -

thinks it could be his anxiety.

 

"So don't bother with over-thinking anything complicated, or else this little guy here," There's one final tap against his chest. A small smile, he notices, gracing Onna's lips causes the patterned rhythm of the muscle to accelerate. "will have a hard time relaxing."

 

It's so simple, he thinks, tumbling her words in his head over and over, and over, and over until he's sure they're etched into the very seams of his existence.

 

And so he wonders, with a brief flutter of _something_ , if the woman standing before him is what's making his mind continue the exercise of breathing air into his lungs, and his heart pumping life into his veins.

 

"Will you continue to exist with me?"

 

He asks without any hesitation. Thinks it's a perfectly normal question until he sees pink decorating her cheeks, and wonders what emotion one feels to express such a reaction. Hopes it wasn't an offense.

 

"W-what are you asking me here, Decim?" There's a slight pitch to her tone that indicates her lack of composure, and Decim thinks it's a bit endearing.  

 

Nonetheless he's unrelenting.

 

"Living. Breathing. Existing." He holds out his hand, a gesture of a hidden question. "Will you continue to do so with me?"

 

There's a noticeable pick up in the pace of his beating heart when she accepts his hand into hers, a soft smile adorning shy lips.

 

"We are partners after all."

 

And he thinks that maybe, with the roar of his heart thumping mercilessly against his chest, and yearning for flutter inducing smiles from this adoring woman, maybe a little bit of him is human.


End file.
